As a young girl it can be hard to transform into an adult. Especially for someone like me, someone who has no parental figures or older sisters I can look up to. It's just me. For the longest time I felt lost and unwomanly. I did not know how to be a young woman, didn't know how I wanted to live my life.
I'll be honest, I'm someone who deals with my mental health. It's a genetic issue that crippled my youth. My life was such a battle, I had planned to lose it before 18. But I'm 22 now and my life has changed within six months alone.
I woke up six months ago and realized I truly was still miserable. I was floating through life but never really living. I decided to make changes because only I could change my life. I revamped my wardrobe, invited people to events, went out and began yoga.
But along the way of my transformation, these books were side by side on my journey of growth. Through literature, I found the guiding hand that hand been missing in my life. But I've never believed in gatekeeping so here are the books that helped me. Maybe they can help you.
'Sunburn' by Chloe Michelle Howarth-
In a rural town in Ireland we find ourselves in the years of 1990. Our story follows the intense first love between Lucy and Susannah. But they live in a conservative catholic community. The story highlights themes of desire, sexuality, religious guilt and shame. This book affected me in many ways. I came from an Irish immigrant family, one who held religion in a very high esteem. I realized I liked girls in the fourth grade. I didn't know what it meant and I dealt with the religious shame of my feelings for many years. When I read this book for the first time, I finally felt the guilt that rattled my bones drift away. I could relate to the small and religious towns, young love between girls feeling forbidden. But what I took away from this book was love should never be shameful. Love between the same gender is still love.
Song choice- "Girls" by Girl in Red
'Remarkably Bright Creatures' by Shelby Van Pelt-
Landing us in the pacific north west we find a 70 year old widow named Tova. Tova works the night shift at an aquarium where her companion becomes an old octopus named 'Marcellus'. Through her bond with this octopus she tries to solve the mystery of her son's mysterious death. My father died on a random morning in May, I saw it coming but the rest of my family hadn't. He had been ill for a year leading up to his death. But it left me with confusing feelings. One morning I woke up without a father. This book helped me deal with this grief. I had very complicated feelings about my father and in complete transparency I still do. The words on these pages helped me realize that was okay. Grief is emotion with no where to go. Everyone always says love but it can also be hate, regret, and everything mixed into the kitchen sink.
Song choice- "Old Cape Cod" by Patti Page
'Creatures' by Crissy Van Meter-
On an island you can find a charismatic drug dealer who sells a special weed named 'Winter Wonderland.' While he might be a great dealer he makes a terrible father. In a coming of age book, we follow the hard life of Eva. Stuck in a world of couch surfing and drug dealing we see a very raw and transparent story. Her mother thinks too highly of herself and disappears again after visiting for a singular day. I too had two terrible parents. I've never known a parental figure and had to raise myself just as Eva did. We had similar lives and identical names. This book peels back the beauty and shows us a disgusting reality. Sometimes the most moving stories are also the hardest to stomach.
Song choice- "Sun Bleached Flies" by Ethel Cain
'The Art Thief' by Michael Finkel-
Based on a true story we follow a tale of love, obsession and crime. Stephane Breitwieser loved owning items. He's one of the most prolific thieves in all of history. Stealing for the first time in 1995, his career came to an end in 2001. Using the help of his long term girlfriend, Anne-Catherine, they stole over 200 famous art pieces in broad daylight. Displaying the items in the attic with only the two of them as witness. Even after being caught he returned to stealing and stole another 30 pieces before being caught once more. They went from living a glamours and risky life to losing it all and having nothing to show for the years they spent. This strange and entertaining book helped me realize that time will pass regardless. But how do I want to spend my time? I want to use the candles I bought, wear the vintage heels and spray an extra spritz of perfume. I want to live in case I lose it all.
Song choice- "Back Home" by Yeat feat. Joji
'Table for One' by Emma Gannon-
Considered to be a modern love story we follow the life of Willow but it didn't end up the way she had planned. She loved journalism yet found herself working alongside of her long term boyfriend in a tech company they built together. After almost 10 years together she's awaiting a proposal and when he invites her to her favorite restaurant, she's readying herself to say yes! Except instead of a proposal, she finds herself dumped and he's moving within the week. Now she's left in the shadows of the life they had built together, of the future she was promised. Forced to fix her life she learns how to be alone, not lonely. Reading a book like this is beneficial to young women who've been brainwashed into thinking the only way to achieve happiness is to become someone's wife, someone's mom. But who are you? This book has helped me enjoy my own company. Since reading this novel, I've done a better job at putting myself first and taking care of myself. Love is most powerful when given to yourself.
Song choice- "Waiting Game" by Harry Styles
All of these books found me at the perfect time. A time where I needed hope, compassion and guidance. I hope they find you too. Through grace and knowledge you can evolve your soul and in turn, transform your life.
With love,
Evangeline
